If I were a boy...

There are some times when I really wished that I was a boy.

The first time when I got this thought was when my father said, "Girls are useless, they will marry off someday anyway." Probably that why I kept my hair short when I was young, and played sports. I wanted to let my father know that what a son can do to do him proud, I am trying to do the same. In the later part of my life I knew that there will always be a difference between a son and a daughter, so I sort of gave up trying so hard to become the son he never had.

Subsequently in life when I started playing sports, I trained very hard, physically and mentally. When I was younger, I always played street ball with my guy friends. I slowly realise that I cannot jump as high, hang as long or throw as hard as them. I also saw their bodies become more muscular, achieving it with lesser training than me. I sort of envy them for their body structure and physique.

When it comes to handling emotions or relationships most guys I know can really be firm and decisive. I guess I really envy them in this aspect too. I have been in many failed relationships, and in most of them, I am always the one who could not give it up. I will try and try and find new reasons for me to try some more. I am too soft-hearted. I am not someone who say, "Move on," and mean it.

Well, I guess I did not think too much into all these differences, until today.


I was playing basketball with many male friends and the team which I was in had 2 girls (including me) and 2 boys. Initially we won, as our initial opponents were small kids who are probably still new to the game (well as compared to us anyway). Then as the night progresses, more and more people came down to play and thus we did not manage to emerge as victors, playing against taller opponents and all male teams were probably reasons as to why we lost. There were many teams, therefore the waiting time was long, and after losing for a few consecutive matches, I could see the diappointment and frustration in everyone. Then suddenly when it was finally my turn to play, me and the girls got subbed out. My original teammates just formed an all guys team.


I really got mad. So many next teams already still got people want to play in 2 different teams?


I know I suck. I know I don't jump high, don't run as fast, or not as tough as the males. But I felt that this was totally a disregard for our feelings. I recall there were guys who said that the way I play is too dangerous for girls. Now can you all see why? This is why. I do not want my guy teammates to feel that girls are a burden to them on court, or that they always need to give special tolerance or lower their expectations just because we are girls. I don't want to be another girl who can only contribute by shooting and not by defending, or in rebounding, or in assists. I just felt totally useless and worthless. Why am I still playing and I know I can never match up to them in terms of physically ability? When will I be satisfied?





So when I finally got the chance to play, I really played. No more smiling, no more chatting, just play. Play. Play. Play. I hate it when guys give me the "I am going easy on you" kind of expression, makes me want to curse and swear. Can't they see if they always go easy on us, we will never improve too?

If guys out there who feels that they do not want to team up with ladies then I would suggest saying it outright. My morale was totally low. Really felt like fighting.

So when I went home, I got online and wrote in my msn personal message "If I were a boy..." Thank God for Ah Bee when he msned me and said, "If you were a boy, you will make a damn good canter for the guys team." These words really gave me the encouragement I needed.

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Qing meimei