Like a Mockingbird...

A good season...

2009-11-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. SHL 2009 has just ended.

Have to say that it's been a pretty awesome season, even though injuries seem to keep haunting me. Breakers is a good team, and we all have learnt alot from Moon. Having a coach in the team who has vast experience really makes a difference in your role as a player.

Things that I have learnt:

Defense is a team effort.

Always investigate the beginning of the problem in defense.

Element of surprise in pivot movement.

Diffenerce in timing for 9-m shots.

Stick together in good and bad times.

Never break our temper.

Rise to the occasion.

Set, *3 claps*, Breakers, whooshhhh,
Qing meimei

Divorce...

2009-11-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Came across an interesting blog:

嫁給這個男人五年了，我不知道我是否還愛他，記得剛新婚的時候，早晨時必定會在他懷抱中醒來，我總是紅著臉不敢說一聲早，怕嘴裡的口氣弄皺了他的眉，漱口杯與牙刷堅持要和他用同款不同色，擺在一起看才有夫妻的感覺。我會幫他打點上班的衣物，什麼襯衫配什麼領帶，經過我的審美才准他穿上身。起了床到餐桌上，為了他的健康，我每天變換不同花樣的早餐，晴朗的天可能是培根蛋加上烤土司，有些下雨的話，或許來點小米粥搭醬瓜鹹蛋，要是陰天，不如就吃些外頭的燒餅油條和豆漿，招式用到我變不出新把戲，可是我樂此不疲。除了當一個賢慧的妻子，我亦毫不掩飾對他的熱情，「我愛你」是每天恭送他出門上班一定說的話，然後附加一個親密的吻，即使他大多時候只是淺淺一笑，也足夠我高興個老半天。

但是，五年過去了。我相信還不到癢的時候，可是到底是什麼改變了我和他的互動呢？早晨起床，他的位置往往已空蕩，只能由皺褶的床單證實他確實存在過，即使他偶爾睡過了頭或者小賴一下床，也絕對是急急忙忙由床上跳起來，匆忙的梳洗著衣。我已經快忘了被他擁抱迎接朝陽的感覺，盥洗室裡的漱口杯，在幾年前被打破後，再也找不到一模一樣的，而另一個也因為掉到馬桶裡，所以也換了新的。五年內，牙刷已換了不知幾支，甚至有時我們睡迷糊了，還會用上同一支，什麼口氣的問題都不需要掩飾了，是否一樣顏色，一樣款式，他說這些根本不重要。因此，洗手台上Hello Kitty和小叮噹圖樣，漱口杯左右對峙，小叮噹的杯裡插著一支綠色牙刷，是我的，Hello Kitty則是空的，因為他前一陣子已改用電動牙刷，擺在架子上。分屬兩個不同故事的漱口杯，以及位於兩個不同位置的牙刷，彷彿在嘲諷我們的夫妻關係，漸行漸遠。因為他出門的時間早，打點他的衣著已經不再是我的事，他自己會搞定。

早餐呢？很久沒有一起吃了，我同樣不必費盡心思去想菜單、查食譜，反正沒人賞光，更不用說「我愛你」這句話，還有熱情的早安吻，他無福消受，而且現在說起來也有些矯情了。仔細想想，五年來，他沒有說過一次「我愛你」，一次也沒有。我和他相聚的時間，嚴格上來說是從晚上七點開始，也就是他下班回來之後，如果他加班的話，那時間可能要延到十點、十一點。剛結婚的時候，我為了他去學烹飪，「要抓住男人的心，先抓住他的胃」，我深信這個鐵律。所以，一些餐館名菜常出現在我們餐桌上，宮保雞丁、五更腸旺、蔥油雞、東坡肉……等。見他吃得高興，我也開懷，雖然不全是我愛吃的，但是他愛吃就好。飯後，我們會依偎在沙發上看電視，我陪他看新聞，聽他評論國政、批判社情，他陪我看八點檔，聽我調侃劇情、大哭大笑。所以我知道行政院長、立法院長是什麼人，他也知道當紅的李世民是誰演的。

我沒有料到的是，五年的時間可以改變這一切，烹飪班我可以說是半途而廢，不知道從哪天起，他開始干涉我做菜的方法，宮保雞丁他不喜歡太多辣椒，五更腸旺他開始抵制，蔥油雞叫我別淋油，連滷東坡肉要放多少醬油，他都有話說。我做的菜漸漸變得簡單，烹飪班也不想去了，有時候一盤炒青菜、貢丸湯和皮蛋豆腐就打發掉他，他反而沒什麼意見。我想，我抓不住他的胃。隨著他加班次數的增加，我們甚少在一起看電視了，除了現任總統是陳水扁，我對於國家大事可說一無所知，而他，問都不用問台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰他絕對不可能知道。夫妻之間開始言不及義，他對我說的話，大多都是「不用等我」、「早點睡」，我跟他說的話，也幾乎是「你回來了」、「菜在電鍋熱著」。我們沒有相同的話題，沒有相同的興趣，除了「夫妻」名義上的聯繫，我們的交流空泛的可憐，比普通朋友還不如。多可笑的夫妻關係，不是嗎？

婚前，我們曾描繪著未來的願景，他說要生兩個孩子，先男後女，哥哥可以保護妹妹，我卻認為應該先享受一段兩人生活，生孩子的時情倒不急於一時，只是我不想壞了他的興致，並沒有說出口。婚後一陣子，他很積極的和我「創造宇宙繼起之生命」，他想要孩子，從他不戴保險套的行為可以看得出來，可是我還不想要，又怕他不高興，於是我背著他吃避孕藥。記得那時，他還興沖沖的帶我到醫院探視一名女性朋友，她剛生完一個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，神色萎糜的躺在病床上。我忘不了他隔著一塊玻璃看新生娃娃時，眼中綻放的神采，可是我更忘不了，那位女性朋友用著虛弱的語氣告訴我，她整整痛了一天一夜，才求醫生由自然產改為剖腹產，我更不敢生小孩了。五年後的今天，他似乎已經放棄生小孩這回事，畢竟只有他一頭熱是沒用的。可是，待在他上班之後空洞的房子裡，我突然覺得生個孩子也不錯，至少屋子裡會熱鬧點，我的寂寞，也會少一點。他早就在數年前就開始用保險套了，

我不清楚是什麼讓他改變心意，不過這也鬆了我一口氣，我對避孕藥似乎過敏，不論換什麼牌子最後都落得一個水腫的下場。我猜他六百多度的近視加閃光，應該看不出我水腫前和水腫後有什不一樣，重點是他的保險套解決了我一個大麻煩，同時又帶來另一個新煩惱。我現在想要一個孩子了，他卻似乎不想，我不知怎麼跟他開口，更別提他頻繁的加班，晚上常累得倒頭就睡，如果我再開這個口，似乎變相增加他的壓力。兩個人之間，已經夠低潮了，不需要再增加一個會引起衝突的話題。

在我們戀愛的時候，他很喜歡帶我到淡水，坐在河堤旁看落日，沿著碼頭走一遭，可以吃到不同口味的各式小吃，淡水的海產頗富盛名，他似乎是識途老馬，總知道哪家是最道地的。有時候，他帶著我坐渡輪到對岸的八里，那裡熱鬧的只有一條路，賣的全是孔雀蛤，兩個人可以吃掉一大盤，還覺得意猶未盡。他也會和我騎雙人腳踏車沿著淡水老街騎到淡海，再由淡海騎回來，沿路的風景不算十分迷人，但有種質樸的味道，兼之海風鹹鹹的打在臉上，我很享受這種氣氛。當然，坐在腳踏車後座的我三天打漁兩天曬網，心情好的時候才踩兩下，他明知我偷懶，還是賣力的踩，我很懷念，真的即使過了五年，那段回憶仍然歷歷在目。婚後到淡水的次數，除了新婚那一陣子，幾乎屈指可數，近兩、三年更是一次都沒去過。每到假日，他不到中午不會起床，我見他這麼疲倦，當然也不會煩他帶我到處走走。

假日照理說，我和他應該可以有些交集可是他累，我只能自己找事做，和在上班工作的朋友出門逛逛街，聊聊是非，也順便埋怨一下他。至於在家睡覺的他，午、晚飯，自己解決吧！他不知道，在前幾個月，我耐不住無聊，自個兒坐捷運到了淡水。果然，太久沒有去了，那裡已經變成一個我完全不認識的地方，河堤旁的小吃攤不見了，全部集中在捷運站附近，過去我和他看夕陽的地方整修成一條長堤，僅供散步，路面變得乾淨整潔固然是好，但是收藏著我和他美好記憶的地方，消失了。沒有他的帶路，我找不到道地的海產店，找不到好吃的小吃，自己一個人也騎不了雙人單車，但我驚訝的發現，淡水多了一個漁人碼頭，可以坐公車過去。

漁人碼頭，他的腳步沒有踏上過，我先了他一步，這是沒有他，只有我的經驗。到了漁人碼頭邊，風景美復美矣，卻有種人工雕砌的做作，我以為花了幾百元搭乘藍色公路可以到對岸八里，就像渡輪一般，但那失了古風的遊艇卻繞了一大圈後又開回原點。除了顛簸的船身搖得我頭暈目眩，我記不起來什麼美麗的風景，連孔雀蛤也沒撈到一粒，淡水變了，我和他的回憶，也變了。某個早上，我特地比他早起，煮了頓睽違已久的豐盛早餐給他。然後，沒有第三者，沒有爭吵．我遞出了離婚協議書。

那是我第一次看到他那麼震驚的表情，如果那天是愚人節，我想我成功了。可是，我不會開那般惡劣的玩笑，他知道我是認真的，他沒有像一般男人一樣，暴跳如雷，開始數落女方的罪狀，也沒有哭哭啼啼，跪下哀求我留下，他只是極力冷靜自己的心緒，默不吭聲的接下協議書，開門，上班，一如往常。他或許也察覺我們的夫妻關係到了一個瓶頸，也打算仔細考慮離婚的可行性，他近幾年的疏離，我沒有流下一滴眼淚，可是他這天的冷漠，幾乎傾盡我五年的淚水。我有些後悔，這後悔逐漸蔓延，以心臟為一個起點，通傳至我的頭頂及腳趾。但後悔又如何呢？不快刀斬亂麻，也只是拖著一個平淡如水的日子，兩個人乾耗。我不知道自己對他的愛剩多少，更不清楚他對我的愛剩多少。

嫁給他之前，我就知道他沈默寡言，嫁給他之後，自以為能改變他的我，並沒有改變他多少。我的愛，還不足以改變他，他的愛，亦不足以為我改變，這大概是關鍵所在。柴米油鹽醬醋茶會摧毀愛情的甜蜜，我嚐到了，但這卻是用五年換來的教訓。

趁現在，沒有孩子，沒有牽絆，我也不貪圖他什麼，該是離婚最好的時機吧！抖著手在離婚協議書上簽下名的我，交給他之後他出去幾個小時了，我仍然在發抖，這是一種未知的惶恐，我等他給我一個結果。他冷淡了我五年後，又凌遲了我七天。

從離婚協議書交到他手上之後，整整一個星期，他不與我說一句話，也睡了七天的沙發，每天仍然照常上下班，除了更加冷淡，我感覺不到他的喜怒哀樂。那張協議書，就算扔到垃圾筒裡，還會有觸動垃圾袋的聲音，可是他，一點聲音也沒有，我懷疑他根本不當一回事，一段時間不理會我，只是在看我會不會自己忘了離婚這回事。我受不了了，他到底要怎麼做呢？連離婚，也要離得這麼漠然嗎？

然而，七天之後的他，結結實實嚇了我一跳，一早，我聽到他在客廳起床的聲音，隔著門板聽不真切，我卻一直等不到他出去上班的關門聲。一陣乒乒乓乓的金屬撞擊，取代了他一向安安靜靜的作息，我終於按捺不住起身察看，卻在開門後，聞到了一陣食物的香氣。「起床了嗎？吃點蛋捲。」他笑著，如新婚時我吻他之後那般淺笑。我心裡狠狠跳了一下，原以為古井不波的情緒，因他久違的體貼，而起了絲絲漣漪。他還是那麼輕易的，可以撩動我的心，我不清楚他怎麼可以混到九點、十點還不去上班，他接收到我的疑惑，也只是淡然一笑，身上簡單的服裝一點兒上班的氣息都沒有。可能他，也有工作疲乏吧！也可能他要宣判了，關於那張離婚協議書，看他神色自若的樣子，我默默吃著早餐，幻想著等一下他會說的話。他會不會乾脆的就離婚了呢？還是在我面前撕了協議書呢？不可否認的，我的心，傾向後者。

「我升上經理了。」他的第一句話，出乎我意料，下一句話，卻馬上進入重點，轟得我措手不及，「工作上的事告一段落，現在要好好處理家裡的事。」工作是排在家庭之前嗎？我苦笑。「工作安頓好，我才能給妳安定的家。」他像在解釋我的疑惑。「所以，告訴我為什麼要離婚呢？」他終於問了，臉色變得嚴肅。他從來沒有用過這種質疑的口氣與我說話，望著他難得的厲色，我竟一句話也說不出來。

「妳覺得我冷淡妳了嗎？」轉眼，他的態度忽而又變得自嘲，弄得我丈二金剛，「我就知道妳一個人在家老是胡思亂想。」我和他長談了一整天，數個小時的談話，有五分之四的時間我是在哭的，因為我覺得自己犯了一個滔天大錯，可是有些事，沒有那張離婚協議書，我永遠不會知道。他說，五年來，他確實每天都是抱著我醒來，只是後來他工作忙，起床時間變早，而我仍沈睡著，不知道罷了，有時他還會親親我的臉，看著我貪懶的睡顏，他不忍心叫醒我。而擺在盥洗室的漱口杯，他根本搞不清楚小叮噹是他的或Hello Kitty才是他的，他以為粉紅色是女孩子的頻色，所以他一直用著小叮噹的嗽口杯。原來，我們一直在無形間，做著親密的唇齒交流，可憐了Hello Kitty，擺在那兒沒人用，成了個裝飾品。早餐，他吃的都是7-11，他承認很想念我做的早餐，可是他不好意思要我每天做給他，他知道我會擠盡腦汁變花樣，他捨不得看我太累。

「我娶妳，是希望妳享福，不是要妳來當女傭的。」從他這句話開始，我便止不住眼淚。提到他的衣著，他更是笑我的傻，他看得出來我會為他添新衣服，按顏色花樣在櫃裡整整齊齊的分類擺放，而新婚時期我常幫他搭配，久了他也知道我的喜好，什麼領帶配什麼衣服，他是為我而穿。至於熱情的早安吻，每天他早在我熟睡間給我了，我卻兀自鑽牛角尖，認為他不需要我的吻。「你為什麼從不說你愛我呢？」我噙著淚水問他。「我以為妳知道，否則我們為什麼結婚呢？」他理所當然回答。是啊！我知道，我一直都知道，不然我不會嫁給他的，可是既然知道，我又何必強求他說出來呢？女人都是需要一些愛語滋潤的，我想這就是理由，看著我控訴的眼光，我想他也知道理由了。

「妳做的大菜，很好吃可是那些菜費工夫，也不全是妳喜歡的，所以我寧可妳做些簡單的菜，最好是妳也喜歡吃。」他一句一句的解釋，又讓我掉了一缸淚水，「妳不喜歡吃辣，因此我要妳少放辣椒，妳不吃內臟，那我也不吃，妳怕胖，所以料理時我希望油加少一點，醬油鹽份高，吃多腎臟負擔大，為了妳我健康著想，調味即可，不必加太多。」只要是我煮的，他都喜歡，想想每次準備食物給他，他沒有一次不是吃光的，到底為什麼我會覺得抓不住他的胃呢？所以，我也抓住了他的心嗎？另一件令我驚訝的事，他真的知道台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰，即使猜得不完全正確。「是劉文聰嗎？還是那個李正賢呢？晚上在公司加班，同事都會開電視來看，所以我多少也知道一點。」他撫去我臉上淚痕，笑問：「妳也在看嗎？」「嗯。」我又想哭了，我真是小覷了那個節目的收視率。「當上經理之後會比較少加班，那我們就一起看。」他說得輕鬆，我卻鼻頭一陣酸楚。我在意的，其實不是看什麼節目，管他行政院長、立法院長是誰，沒有他在身邊，看什麼都索然無味。我發現，只要願意，兩個人什麼事都可以談，連我跟他解釋台灣霹靂火的劇情，一路聊到整容話題，他也聽得津津有味。是我，是我封閉了自己，以為他不願意聽我說話、不願意對我說話。他心疼我一個人在家裡，聊公司裡的事怕悶壞我，又見我一副不想搭理他的樣子，他每天只能摸摸一鼻子的灰。無論他跟我說什麼，我都是愛聽的，可是我現在才讓他知道，夫妻兩浪費了幾年的時間在這種誤解之間打轉，他活該，我也活該。「我很少看新聞，都不知道國家最近發生了什麼事。」我這句話出口得有些抱怨。「好，我以後每天當妳的新聞台。」他溫柔的笑了。

聊到生孩子的事，他先是一陣默然。「我想生一個孩子。」這時候，我有勇氣說出口了。「我以為妳不想，剛結婚那一陣子，妳不是一直吃避孕藥嗎？」難得聽到他有些怪罪的語氣。進一步了解之後，我才發現，他一直知道我在吃藥，或許是我哪次把藥隨便擱在化粧台上，被他看到了，他徹底了解我不想要孩子。而他也知道，我吃完藥隔天會有水腫的現象，身子骨纖細的我，一雙腳腫得跟象腿一樣，也只有我這種人的鴕鳥心態，才會認為他不會發現。後來我養成習慣將藥好好放在抽屜中，他以為我不再吃，怕身子水腫難受，所以他戴起保險套，說來說去，還是為了我。「妳又水腫了嗎？一直哭個不停，是想把身體裡的水逼出來嗎？」他居然敢揶揄我，免不了得到我飽以老拳。他還是想要孩子的，聽完我說想生孩子，他眼下興奮的光芒大大的告訴我這一點。

只不過，那抹光芒在閃爍之後隨即斂去，他又正襟危坐的問了我一個問題。「妳真的想生嗎？」「想啊！我一個人在家好無聊。」「只是因為無聊嗎？如果一個人在家無聊，妳想出去學東西、去工作、和朋友去逛街，我不會阻撓妳。」「你不是也想嗎？」我生氣了，縱然淚眼婆娑沒什麼說服力。他開始說起那個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，原來那名女性朋友的經驗不僅嚇到我，也嚇到他了。他不希望我生孩子還要受極大的痛苦，什麼剖腹產、自然產，他一點概念也沒有，只知道一定會很痛，他明白我怕痛，所以他捨棄了生孩子的想法。「我不管，我要生。」明瞭了他的想法後，我更希望替他生一個孩子，身體裡流著我和他血液的孩子。「那就生吧！」他悄悄的在我耳邊說了一句令我臉紅的話。「你這麼有精力，不是上班很累嗎？」我狐疑他話裡的真實性。

經他解釋，我才恍然大悟，就算工作累，他偶爾也有慾望，有時晚上摟著我，又看我睡得香甜，這種看得到吃不到的痛苦，他只能鬱鬱的悶在自己心裡，面對他的心意，我，真的無言了。在我像兩顆水蜜桃的雙眼略為消腫後，他催我換衣服，帶我出門。已經好久沒和他一起出遊了，在兩人間的冷淡破冰後，坐在他身邊竟也給我當初戀愛的感覺。我凝望著他專心駕駛的側臉，將他的動作姿態深深刻在心裡，因為我差點忘了，我和他之間還橫著一個問題，那張離婚協議書。我要一輩子記住他的模樣，如果他最後仍是簽了名，可是，他應該不會簽吧！否則，他何必和我討論生孩子的事。「到了。」他停車，我也隨之下車。海風迎面吹來，是淡水。他也記得這個地方，這個我們記憶珍藏的地方。「我一直想帶妳來，可是妳假日都和朋友出門，我只好蒙著棉被在家睡覺。」他如此說道。這是個什麼烏龍呢？我體諒他工作累，他體諒我和朋友出門，就這樣我們錯過了，一次又一次的相伴。

「你以後想幹什麼，可以直接說。」我惱火的盯著他。

「妳也是。」他正經八百的回視我，言下之意是要我別五十步笑百步。說來也好笑，我們一直認為自己是在為對方著想，以自己的方式去體貼對方，這種自以為是卻導致了無數個陰錯陽差，一直到我開始懷疑自己不愛他，他也不愛我了，才驚覺這份愛並不是消逝，而是溶入了生活之中，自然的讓人忘了它的存在。愛情的表現，可以是黏膩、親熱、奉獻、祝福，甚至是退讓，每個人的方式不同，會導致的結果各異。我的方式是盲目的付出，他的方式是全然的關懷，乍看之下兩個人都沒錯，可是無論什麼方式，中間少了一種叫「溝通」的元素，就容易導致裂痕。我們的婚姻，就是建築在這種缺乏溝通的空中樓閣之上，嫁給這個男人五年了，我以為我漸漸的不愛他，但只是一番簡單的剖白心意，我對他所有的愛再度復活，甚而轉濃。女人會因男人長久的冷落而對愛情失望，也可以因男人一句話又對愛情充滿希望，我不想和他離婚，一點兒也不想，當初硬著頭皮簽下名，或許只是賭氣，只是要他正眼看看我。

可是 …… 「那、那張離婚協議書……。」我要收回來。「在公司裡。」他好整以暇，「公司的碎紙機裡。」這個意思是… …？「妳想離婚，等我成為亡夫時再說吧！」我估量不出他說這句話，是不是在開玩笑，不過他又騙到我的淚水。

他真的很愛我，即使他沒有說過，我想如果我堅持離婚，他會放我走的，他捨不得見我難過，就像他見我掉淚又趕快摟住我一樣。倘若，是他想離婚呢？恕我自私，我是堅決不會放的，除非等我變成亡妻，同樣因為他捨不得見我難過，我自信可以留住他。「淡水整個都變了，我都快不認識了。」哄完了我，他連忙帶開話題。「我來過，我知道有什麼景點。」「那這次就要靠妳帶路囉！」是啊！我們可以開創新的回憶，只要有我也有他，什麼時間地點都不成問題。

結婚五年，我又發現了一次愛情。

If I were a boy...

2009-03-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

There are some times when I really wished that I was a boy.

The first time when I got this thought was when my father said, "Girls are useless, they will marry off someday anyway." Probably that why I kept my hair short when I was young, and played sports. I wanted to let my father know that what a son can do to do him proud, I am trying to do the same. In the later part of my life I knew that there will always be a difference between a son and a daughter, so I sort of gave up trying so hard to become the son he never had.

Subsequently in life when I started playing sports, I trained very hard, physically and mentally. When I was younger, I always played street ball with my guy friends. I slowly realise that I cannot jump as high, hang as long or throw as hard as them. I also saw their bodies become more muscular, achieving it with lesser training than me. I sort of envy them for their body structure and physique.

When it comes to handling emotions or relationships most guys I know can really be firm and decisive. I guess I really envy them in this aspect too. I have been in many failed relationships, and in most of them, I am always the one who could not give it up. I will try and try and find new reasons for me to try some more. I am too soft-hearted. I am not someone who say, "Move on," and mean it.

Well, I guess I did not think too much into all these differences, until today.

I was playing basketball with many male friends and the team which I was in had 2 girls (including me) and 2 boys. Initially we won, as our initial opponents were small kids who are probably still new to the game (well as compared to us anyway). Then as the night progresses, more and more people came down to play and thus we did not manage to emerge as victors, playing against taller opponents and all male teams were probably reasons as to why we lost. There were many teams, therefore the waiting time was long, and after losing for a few consecutive matches, I could see the diappointment and frustration in everyone. Then suddenly when it was finally my turn to play, me and the girls got subbed out. My original teammates just formed an all guys team.

I really got mad. So many next teams already still got people want to play in 2 different teams?

I know I suck. I know I don't jump high, don't run as fast, or not as tough as the males. But I felt that this was totally a disregard for our feelings. I recall there were guys who said that the way I play is too dangerous for girls. Now can you all see why? This is why. I do not want my guy teammates to feel that girls are a burden to them on court, or that they always need to give special tolerance or lower their expectations just because we are girls. I don't want to be another girl who can only contribute by shooting and not by defending, or in rebounding, or in assists. I just felt totally useless and worthless. Why am I still playing and I know I can never match up to them in terms of physically ability? When will I be satisfied?

So when I finally got the chance to play, I really played. No more smiling, no more chatting, just play. Play. Play. Play. I hate it when guys give me the "I am going easy on you" kind of expression, makes me want to curse and swear. Can't they see if they always go easy on us, we will never improve too?

If guys out there who feels that they do not want to team up with ladies then I would suggest saying it outright. My morale was totally low. Really felt like fighting.

So when I went home, I got online and wrote in my msn personal message "If I were a boy..." Thank God for Ah Bee when he msned me and said, "If you were a boy, you will make a damn good canter for the guys team." These words really gave me the encouragement I needed.

More more more,
Qing meimei

黄真伊

2009-01-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

今世郎已离

难以再相逢

如今何处能

接续未尽缘

为何你还来拨动我心跳，

青妹

Recently...

2009-01-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been spending lots of my time with friends. Playing basketball, watching movies eating dinner/supper and simple chatting are the things that we do together. When I was in Malaysia, they still accompanied me through my depressing moments despite the expensive phone calls and it being the lunar new year. They totally rock.

One of them is someone whom I have known for a long time. He understands my situation the most. We have much in common and and are so comfortable with each other that we imitate the way each other talk. Talking to him is easy and words always just pop right out of me without the slightest hesitation. In front of him I find myself often lacking the will to be strong in front of people, to put up a brave front so that they will never see the actual sorry state that I am in. He have seen me in my worst state and he actually once told me that I can put aside all my armour when I am with him. Whoa. Thank God for this friend.

Another friend is someone whom I have gotten to know better recently. He is gentle and kind. I find myself trusting him a hundred percent. Sometimes I think that I am overly reliant on him, as he really spends the time to chat with me the whole day sometimes. Regardless of what other people might say about him, I feel that he is one person whom I can trust to protect me. The sweetest thing he has ever said to me was that he would be my goalie, when I said that I feel like an untended goalpost. Steady. Thank God for sending me this friend.

The third friend is someone whom I have been very close to in the past, and though we are still close now, maybe it is no longer the same kind of feeling. He is always there and willing to listen. Although sometimes his advice is totally inapplicable, he is funny and always tries to make me laugh. I wish that he will be able to see and feel my sincerity in being friends with him. I thank God for letting our paths cross.

The last friend whom I want to mention is someone who has caught my attention (at least initially) with his tattoo. Its a pretty piece of art and I totally respect him as a person and as a man (taking into account his young age). He is very thoughtful and sweet and does the most unexpected things sometimes. He always say the wisest things when I least expect to hear it. Thank God I met him (this time under a different light and setting).

Well, because I have been spending time with this few friends (among many others), I feel that my road to recovery is not as bad as it could originally be. They totally rock.

Blessed,
Qing

One night only...

2009-01-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

I was looking through my old albums then I came across the Dreamgirls soundtrack. It was really a great movie, moving me to tears especially at the scene when Effie was deserted by the group and her man actually wanted her out the most.

So there was a song in this soundtrack which really made me super sad as it really dipicts my feelings and story now. In the movie it was sung by Effie, I believed at the bar where she was singing solo.

One Night Only

http://www.imeem.com/mrsladytikia/music/epNe6Z2E/dreamgirls_motion_picture_cast_one_night_only/

You want all my love and my devotion

You want my loving soul right on the line

I have no doubt that I could love you forever

The only trouble is

You really don't have the time

You've got one night only

One night only

That's all you have to spare

One night only

Let's not pretend to care

One night only

Come on, Big baby, come on

One night only

We only have till dawn

In the morning this feeling will be gone

It has no chance going on

Something so right

Has got no chance to live

So let's forget about chances

It's one night I will give

One night only

You'll be the only one

One night only

Then you'll have to run

One night only

There's nothing more to say

One night only

Words get in the way

One night only

Weak,

Qing meimei

Handball again...

2009-01-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

Looking back at my few recent posts, I realised that I have not been talking about handball recently, even though its still a major part of my life. Hmm...

Well, went back to NUS yesterday to support KR handball girls in their match against RH. KR lost and it marked the end of the season for them. During team debrief I suddenly realised that I missed playing IHG. I am also saddened by the fact the the passion for this sport is no longer strong in KR. Even the number of spectators decreased. Handball used to be a sport with many spectators and supporters. However yesterday there was no chanting of "KR Warriors...." and there were only cheers and drum beats.

Watching the current batch of KR girls play was like reliving my KR moments. Full of different emotions, excitement, disappointment and anticipation. I was reminded of my KR teammates, like Yan, Lizard, Shi, Shuyun, Janice, Becky, Mavis, Yuwei, Geraldine, Ai May, Wanlyn, Ruiyi and many others. I suddenly felt nostalgic.

So it was during debrief and it was comin to the end, suddenly Ethel (KR Year 2 GK) asked the team,"What are your feelings now? Do you feel sad, happy or what? I feel sad, but I do not know about the rest of you. So how are you all feeling right now?"

The moment she asked this question, I was so happy. At last! Someone actually felt something (besides Be;;a). Then I could not resist anymore and I said:
Hmm.. Let me share with you all a bit of my experience when I was in KR. When I was in Year 2, KR Handball girls lost to EH in semifinals by 1 goal. I was captain that year and I was so upset that I cried for many days(I actually started this blog to remember forever this loss). I could not face my graduating seniors and especially E-block seniors. It was because I felt so much for the game and that as a Captain, I was unable to lead my team to victory and defend our title. So that was how much I felt for my team and this sport. Passion cannot be forced upon, you girls have to train hard together in order to have a chance to feel this passion.

Tears started swelling in my eyes but I wanted to appear as a strong senior figure so I held the tears back. Then I looked at Bella, who is one of my favourite juniors, and I felt so helpless. I could not do anything to help her. I hope that Bella will become stronger and gain valuable lessons from this experience and also take good care of her injuries. Another junior whom I am rather worried about is Xiao Bai. She is a very responsible captain and centre and tried her very best to fill in the leader's role. Good job there. Do not put all the pressure and blame onto yourself. Do not be discouraged, you have only just started.

Well, I hope that the KR girls will emerge stronger after this season. Maybe its time I join them for trainings. Sigh really miss those days. Miss the sport, miss the people, miss KR.

KR warriors,
Qing meimei

I eat boys for breakfast...

2009-01-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well, boys should stay away from me, seriously. I am not a good influence, no matter how harmless I may seem on the surface. I am dark and twisted and forever surrounded by sadness. I am also a die-hard romantic and super childish. So I am not someone that a boy can possibly handle.

Now is also not a good time for me to be involved with someone else. Its tough.

Stay away,
Qing meimei

Starting all over...

2009-01-12T02:40:00.000-08:00

Hmm... I guess there comes a point in all of our lives where we find ourselves lost, with no motivation/drive whatsoever. Right now, this is where I am.

Too many things happened over this last year. I got older, put on a bit of weight, lost my boyfriend and quit playing competitive handball. In this new year of 2009, actually there is not much looking forward to, and now I think I need to step down from the fast lane so as to heal all the injuries that i have "collected" for the last year in 2008.

Well, I am really thankful towards my friends, especially people like Daphne, Shin, Fish, Luan, YY, Chongtak, Chubi, Su Zhen, Bella, Yonghui, Ang Ling, Jon, Mary, Bao, Del, Hao yi and many others for either being there for me, or just spending time with me whenever I needed company or just being understanding towards how I am feeling. I also want to write about 2 strangers whom I have met about a month ago on bus Service No. 853. They really made my day by saying that I have got high pay(makes me appreciate my miserable paycheck a little more) and that I look like a 16 year old. Whoa! Long time since I last heard that. Totally made my day.

Lately I have also learnt to listen to music more and miss the days where I still listen to rap. Maybe these few days I will make a trip to a music store and catch up on what I have been missing out so far.

I think I need a vacation badly,
Qing meimei

Passing it on...

2008-03-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

It has been more than a year since my last entry. Lots have happened, and I believe that I have grown as a person.

Looking back the two years which I have been Federation girls captain, I hope that I can tell myself that I have done well. I have expanded the team, exposed the girls to overseas competition and opportunities, and helped them worked with their basics.

Now that I am already a working adult, are my priorities in life going to change? What am I doing with my life? Where do I intend to go on from here? So many uncertainties, so few opportunities, but yet I choose to take the first step? Am I a moron? Seriously I keep on asking whether the sacrifices that I have made so far were worth it or not? I guess right now I have no regrets, but can't help but doubt my future from tomorrow onwards.

Want to make a difference,
Qing meimei

Another step forward...

2007-01-31T20:02:00.000-08:00

Having finished my varsity education last December, I have stepped into the working society.

Today is my second day at work, and I already hate it. So God help me.

Thus I can firmly say that my lifetime ambition is to be a housewife.

Yes, I'm hinting you,
Qing meimei

When I'm Gone...

2006-11-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

"And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back"

This is a song which set me thinking. A song which trigerred many thoughts in me.

"Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you are their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'em
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of a pain?"

Will you take the people around you for granted? Maybe I have reached this stage in life where friends are either getting married, stepping into the adult life, or have already went to Heaven.

I hope that I am not a source of pain to the people that I love. Maybe sometimes I am very stubborn, have a bad temper, and insensitive, but do stop me and ask me to look at you. I will.

So, when I am gone, smile. Rejoice, and remember me.

I love Eminem,
Qing

2006-10-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

This cute girl is from National Taiwan Uni... She is very small, and very cute!!!

2006-10-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

The 2 guys were from He Fei something Uni.. The team came in 2nd for the tournament... #2 is the captain.. He is awesome!!! Both are awesome!!!

2006-10-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

Me, Candice and Jason in HKUST

HKUST...

2006-10-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

I realized that I have not written about this trip yet! Opps. My bad.

Well, it was an amazing experience. Team NUS went to Hong Kong University of Science and Technology during July this year. It was for a handball tournament. I was very excited initially as that was my first overseas handball competition.

The standard over in Hong Kong was high, of course. Some universities were totally awesome. Tongji University from China was the best, in my opinion. They were tall, strong, fast, and more aggressive then the other teams. Their goalkeeper was fantastic too. I realised that after watching them play, and after I came back to Singapore and watch handball games, I could not get as excited anymore. When I was over there, I was totally captivating by the skill, grace and prowess that some players possessed.

Of course I made some friends, the people from National Taiwan University left the greatest impression. Tsinghua University pampered us with gifts. I was on cloud 9. Really. It's like people coming together in one place with different backgrounds, but with the same passion. I have seen guys shed tears over there. Unbelievable.

I want to go for this competition again next year.

See you in Macau,
Qing

Red lights...

2006-06-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

I guess a life's journey is like driving. Sometimes its a cruise, othertimes its a bumpy ride.

Meeting a red light while driving, I would say, is a part of the driving process. I hate red lights. It's wasting my time, wasting the petrol, and making me stop and watch other people pass me by while doing nothing at all. After 20 seconds of waiting, I would suddenly focus my attention on the most minute detail on the road, like what colour the bag of a pedestrian is, the license plate number of the car which just made a U-turn, and I could list more. My point is, I get distracted from my destination.

Sometimes my heart gets hurt. Its like stopping at a red light. I will then take a step back, focus my mind on other stuff, like blogging, playing Sims, and the list goes on. Then, my tears will flow, but my mind is still on finishing this entry, and suddenly, I don't know what else to do. Then I will indulge in self-pity, making myself believe that the people around me don't deserve my love for them anymore. A red light is not a pit stop in life, it is a sad chapter of my life.

So I guess meeting with a fatal accident would mean the end of a life.

A funeral forever marches in my heart,
Qing

Team NUS

2006-06-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Even though NUS does not recognise us, we are still Team NUS. We bear the NUS crest over our right chest, we bear the name on our backs. Shouldn't that represent something?

Everyone has got their own lives now. Everyone is busy with something. What I hope to see from you girls is that passion you all had while playing IHG. Where has that fire gone? Was it not due to passion that you girls agreed to join this team in the first place?

Girls, I believe we can achieve wonders. I really do. Look at us. Look at our improvements. Look at what we dared to try. Look at your teammates.

I do not know how to influence people to do tasks for me. But I hope I can show you that we can only achieve wonders if we are together.

Team NUS, whoosh,
Qing

To become a better person...

2006-02-19T01:53:00.000-08:00

After living in this world for 21 years, I have learnt that life is just not fair. As much as I try to make things fair for the people around me, there is really no way I can dictate the flow of some events.

For a lady my age I believe that I have seen and experienced many things. Some joyous, some heart breaking. And due to the fact that many people has already broken my heart, I try my best not to do the same to others. As a result I put in effort to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. I want to become a better person by making all those around me happy and smile at the thought of me, to remember me as someone nice and as someone close to their hearts.

Yet, I still broke his heart. I made him cry and experience despair. I made him feel all those emotions that I swear I would never let one experience.

I am really sorry that things have to turn out this way. I just pray that his wounds would heal fast, and be happy again. This is the least that I can do to not be a bad person.

How can I be a better person when I just break people's hearts,
Qing

2006-02-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

KR handball girls 0506

The aftermath...

2006-02-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

Now that IHG is over, I would like to bring closure to my heart, a closure to IHG 0506.

Although this season ended without a handball gold, I really would like to thank everyone for giving me this experience, leaving me with wonderful memories, and a stronger heart.

First of all, I would like to thank Yan. A superb captain. Thanks for having so much faith in me. I really left the 6-M defense to you, and truely, you are the pillar of our 6-M defense. A wonderful experience fighting alongside with you for the gold medal this year. Really a regret that the gold medal was not ours. Training with you has also pushed me to seek out what I can really do as a center. Thanks for everything.

Janice and Adele. My 2 wings. My angels who always give me hope when the sitution seemed bleak. I must really apologise for not utilising the 2 of you enough. Both of you also give me so many ideas on how to coordinate the attack, I really am so proud of you two. The best wings that I will ever have.

Lizard, Liling, Sarah and Shilin. I can't express my gratitude enough to the four of you. Sometimes when I make demanding requests out of u all, give you all stress by not being able to support u all when the fish denies me out of the game, I am really glad that u all handled these situations well. Lizard, thanks for making me jump with joy with your superb shots. Liling, surperb defense. You are solid! Shilin, a super versatile player and my fishing partner. Sarah, for showing me that you want the ball too.

Shuyun and Xinwei, my keepers. Stress must be mounting on the both of you whenever we did not protect you enough. Penalty, fast breaks and open 6-M shots, its our fault. Thanks for all those superb saves and for the constant reminder of where the gap of our defense is. Respect.

Nikki, solid pivot. Can see from your pivot shots that you are becoming a great pivot. Don't know whether we can play together again next year, but I really felt the fire in you this year. Thanks for all the encouragement when I am tired.

Cheryl, a surperb wing in the making. I am glad that I brought you into the team. Having seen such excellent wings before you, I have that you really strive to become the next best left wing that KR has to offer.

Vanessa, my center understudy. I hope that I have shown you many things this year on how a center should play and should not play. Strive to become an excellent center. Be more comanding on court. Scream your heart out, because that is when you really enjoy being the center.

The rest of the team. You are all my moral support. Hearing your shouts made me want to play better for the rest of you. Hpe you all fell in love with this sport as much as I did.

Ken, Jieming, Huan and Beck. Thanks for giving me insights to the game. Without you guys as my lighthouses I would be lost as a center.

Qing yow, Ron , Huangchao, Ai may, Mavis, Ruiyi, Bert, Surin, Wan Lyn, Hong Zheng, Kok Siang, Geraldine. Thanks for helping us out during trainings and giving us valuable comments. The team appreciates your presence.

It is funny that I always talk about handball in my blog. So many emotions, so dramatic. To those who have never played this sport, yes, handball is definitely a sport that once you start playing, you just cannot stop.

Just cannot settle for anything lesser than gold,
Qing

Before the finals...

2006-02-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

Who will be the champions? Who wants to the GOLD medal more? Who has what it takes?

Kent Ridge. Me. Me.

Wanting to be the center I want myself to be,
Qing

Thank you for believing in me...

2006-01-13T02:33:00.000-08:00

Now that I have finally settled down in hall, finally found time to write here...

IHG has started, and new challenges now lie ahead. Armed with a determined mind, a strong heart, and an unbreakable spirit, I now dare to challenge what I was always afraid of. All this was possible with the help of my teammates, coaches and seniors. They believe that I can.

My teammates all wrote something for me on a piece of paper, and after reading it, it drove me to play harder and to play for all of them. My seniors gave me the confidence that I needed, the extra push to break mental barrier that I had. My coaches patiently point out my mistakes, and give me room to exercise my own jugdement. All that I have ever wanted in playing a sport.

Thanks for everything,
Qing

These four long months...

2005-12-18T04:41:00.000-08:00

It has been four months since my last entry. Many things happened. A transition from excited and eager about my attachment, to hatred towards it, and then to the uneventful end. Well, this is roughly the summary on the past 120 days.

Now, I am back in Kent Ridge, assuming more responsibilites compared to before, and immersed in the excitement of playing the sports that I have missed terribly during my attachment days. I am really happy to be back.

More, more, more,
Qing

The Honey Gang...

2005-08-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

The honey gang consists of Jasmin, Samantha and me. Quite a combination, I would say.

How did the name come about? Well, it's a long story. The three of us are really quite adventurous, hence we always like to go to new courts, play with people that we have not met before. After going to a particular court for the first time, we would often decide to frequent that place for a period of time. So one could probably say, there is a pattern to where we decide to go and play ball. In other words, for example, we can keep on going to court A for 3 months, then after scouting a new court, lets say court B, we would abandon court A and play at court B for another long period of time. We have visited quite a number of court thus far. Sometimes we would make a "special appearance" at a court which we have went to long time back in history, it depends entirely on our mood.

Everytime we arrive at a new court, as there are quite few girls who play ball so seriously, we attract attention. Sometimes, we win, othertimes we lose. No matter what the statistics were, we always leave an impression on the guys there. The amazing thing is, the second time we go to the court, the number of guys playing increases in number. This pattern we observe from the many courts we have went to led us to believe that we are like honey, and the guys are the bees. Hence, we are the honey gang.

At first it was discussed among us girls in a joking manner. But, afterwards, it became how we identify ourselves. I am the honey mum, because I'm the oldest among the three. Jasmin is our Public Relations Manager, because she is always the one who shouts for the next team. Samantha is ... a member. Haha...

We don't readily include other people into our gang, because our membership is exclusive. Crap? Maybe... This explains why the three of us tend to play only 3-on-3, even when others are playing 4-on-4, we would tell them that we have got 3 only, and no, we don't need one guy to help us play. So, one of the guys would just have to sit out.

To date, we have played ball together for roughly 5 years. Funny we don't get bored of each other. Yes, it's a joy.

So glad that I'm in the Honey Gang,
Qing